


We're dying for connection, hoping that we get some

by far away and home made (stillinblossom)



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, a couple of homophobic slurs mentioned in there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:09:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23602861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillinblossom/pseuds/far%20away%20and%20home%20made
Summary: "Callum made to get up, but Ben caught his wrist, and with a soft tug he had Callum down on the sofa again, albeit this time half sprawled across Ben. That seemed to elicit a huff of laughter out of Callum, and Ben felt instantly comforted by it."
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 11
Kudos: 94





	We're dying for connection, hoping that we get some

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing for this paring, in general haven't written anything in ages, haven't had anyone beta this. Basically, could be shit. Hope it's not?
> 
> Title from the song 'Black car' by Myriam Bryant.

Ben dropped his keys on the nearest available surface and shrugged off his coat, scanning the living room for his boyfriend. He spotted him slumped on the sofa, his phone in one hand and his other arm wrapped protectively around his middle. Callum’s ribs were still healing, still giving his trouble, but in this case Ben thought the gesture looked more like a comfort, a sort of half hug. The deep furrow between Callum’s eyebrows spoke to the same thing.  
“Hey, you alright babe?” Ben dropped down on the sofa next to Callum, dropping a kiss on his shoulder and only catching a brief flash of the familiar interface of the Facebook app on Callum’s phone before the screen was switched off and the phone dropped to the side.  
“Yeah, ‘course.” The loving softness in Callum’s eyes was there – Ben still couldn’t quite fathom that he could be the cause of such a look – but his smile seemed subdued and distracted. “You hungry? I was thinking lasagne and homemade garlic bread. Think we’ve still got that bottle of red that Lola brought the last time her and Jay were over, that should go nicely with it.”  
Callum made to get up, but Ben caught his wrist, and with a soft tug he had Callum down on the sofa again, albeit this time half sprawled across Ben. That seemed to elicit a huff of laughter out of Callum, and Ben felt instantly comforted by it.  
“What are you doing? I’m going to crush you.” Callum huffed, still winding his arms around Ben’s neck as he spoke. He made an aborted movement towards leaning his head against Ben’s, but seemingly realising that would make it hard, if not impossible for Ben to read his lips. They were still getting used to this new way of communicating, but they were both getting better at it. Callum was less on-the-nose, Ben less frustrated.  
“No you’re not. You’re not that big. Or I’m not that small, whichever you’re getting at.” Ben raised an eyebrow at the last part, as if daring Callum to say otherwise. Usually Callum would jump at any opportunity to tease Ben about his height, or lack thereof, but today he let that opportunity pass him by. His previous smile had morphed back into that pensive, forlorn look that he had had when Ben entered the flat. Ben decided to make a second attempt to coax some kind of explanation for the trouble on Callum’s mind out of him, but he knew he had to be mindful of his wording. For all Callum seemed to preach about openness and communication, Ben knew he could clam up quicker than most if approached with too much bluntness. Only where Ben would sulk and go quiet, Callum would go the complete opposite route and start rambling on and on about anything and everything with a cheerful cluelessness that Ben guessed had given him the nickname “halfwit” from Shirley. Unfortunately, bluntness and sarcasm were part of Ben’s usual way of communicating, and so since the early days of his and Callum’s relationship he’d found himself floundering to get the tone right.  
“I don’t mind if we order in, if you’re tired or just not feeling it. Or I could make something while you relax. Just because you’re the better cook doesn’t mean you always have to be the one slaving over dinner.” Ben tried to put some lightness into his tone, but he could see that Callum was onto him and wasn’t going to be coaxed into talking that easily. He put on an easy smile.  
“Don’t be silly. I can treat my boyfriend on a Friday night, can’t I? Go take a shower or something, I’ll have a glass of wine poured for when you get out.” He kissed Ben softly, a thumb briefly caressing his cheekbone, before getting up and walking towards the kitchen. Ben sighed, unable to shake the feeling that something was troubling Callum. Something that he didn’t feel comfortable talking to Ben about. 

The evening stretched on, Ben making a couple more attempts at getting Callum to open up. They all went much the same, with Callum either changing the topic to something different and completely benign or pretending to be unusually engrossed in the show they were watching. Every now and then, though, he’d pick up his phone, read something that made that furrow between his eyebrows reappear, and then throw down the phone on the sofa next to him again.

It wasn’t until Ben was stripping off to go to bed that he got a clue as to what could be the cause of that troubled look. Callum was off taking a late-night shower. He’d insist on making it the very last thing he did before bed, climbing under the covers with his hair wet and flopping down over his forehead. Ben would grumble about him being like a wet dog when Callum would climb on top of him and, intentionally or unintentionally, spray him with little droplets of water. But in truth, he loved the scent of Callum’s sandalwood shower gel and the feeling of Callum’s overly warm skin from having been stood under the scalding hot shower spray, dawdling and singing slightly tunelessly. He even loved and missed hearing said singing, even if it should be somewhat uncomfortable for someone with as good of a musical ear as Ben. He was just thinking about it being one of the many unexpected sounds he missed when something lighted up on the bed next to him. He didn’t mean to snoop, he really didn’t, but he hadn’t taken out his contacts yet and just a quick glance at Callum’s phone screen told him that Callum had a new Facebook notification. _David Henderson made a post in the event Class Reunion 2020_. 

Ben was still mulling it over when Callum padded into the room, towel wrapped around his waist and droplets still making its way down his torso. Ever since Callum had started to train for his police assessment Ben had found it harder and harder to take his eyes off of his boyfriend. He’d always found Callum incredibly attractive, from the first day he had laid eyes on him in the Vic, but he would be a liar if he didn’t admit that the general added definition and the appearance of quite clear abs in particular didn’t sweeten the deal. He didn’t think he had a thing for men in uniform – being a part of the Mitchell family one particular group of men in uniform had always been off the table – but he could imagine Callum in a similar physique as he had now and an army uniform and admit that it did something for him. He tried not to think about the future, of Callum with said physique in a police uniform – that just led to all kinds of confusing feelings that he would deal with when they got there. 

Ben had to shake himself from his reverie when Callum lifted the covers, letting in a whoosh of cold air that had him shivering. Sorry, Callum mouthed, before flicking on the bedside lamp. Another new routine for them – instead of talking quietly in the dark and Callum mumbling his responses with his face tucked into the crook of Ben’s neck they now needed a little light and a little more distance to be able to communicate. At first it had just been another minor yet frustrating thing about Ben’s lost hearing, but now he had started to appreciate this new routine of theirs. The warm glow from the bedside lamp made Callum look golden and bathed them both in a soft warmness that sometimes spilled over in their conversation. That’s why Ben decided to take a shot in the proverbial dark at finding out what was on Callum’s mind. 

“I didn’t mean to pry, but I saw a notification on your phone. An event called ‘Class reunion’?” Ben uttered, watching Callum’s face intently and knowing he had found the source of discomfort when Callum cast his eyes down, suddenly very interested in a hangnail on one of his thumbs.  
“Yeah, a couple of lads that I went to school with are organising a reunion next weekend. Don’t think I’ll go, though.” He said, not meeting Ben’s eye and speaking more quickly than usual, although not so quickly that Ben couldn’t get the gist of it.  
“Okay”, Ben said carefully, “are you just not feeling it, or is it something in particular that makes you not want to go?” He watched Callum shrug one of his shoulders, still not looking up.  
“Bit cheesy, innit? Reunions.” Ben stretched his hand out, teasing his fingers between Callum’s and squeezing.  
“I guess so. Could also be fun? Or cathartic or whatever. See how everyone turned out, how the mighty have fallen and the nerds are now on the top of the food chain?”  
He expected a smile, but instead Ben saw Callum roll over onto his back, looking to be blinking back tears. Something clenched in Ben’s stomach, and he got up onto his elbow, placing a hand on Callum’s cheek and gently turning his face towards Ben.  
“Hey, I was just joking. If you don’t feel like it, then of course you shouldn’t go. I know not everyone is as keen as I am for an opportunity to show off and brag to people. I get not wanting to relive your school years.”  
Callum took a deep breath that looked uneven and wobbly to Ben before he started to speak. Slowly and carefully enunciating, like he couldn’t bear to have to repeat himself if Ben didn’t get it the first time.  
“You know when I got together with Whitney, I felt like such a fraud all the time. I was walking around on the streets holding her hand, just waiting for someone to walk up to me and laugh right in my face. Explain to me that it was all some sort of practical joke, because what the hell would a girl like Whitney want to do with a guy like me? A… virgin, weird looking with sticky out ears, a failed army career behind me and feelings towards men that I’d buried so deep I think I had succeeded in fooling even myself for a while.” He smiled self-deprecatingly before continuing. “And then you came along and showed an interest. And I thought that was must be a joke, too. ‘Let’s drag this guy kicking and screaming out of the closet only to laugh at him once he’s out’.” Some emotion must have passed on Ben’s face, because this time Callum looked apologetic, quickly adding. “I know now you wouldn’t be so cruel, and I’m really glad you at least got behind me and gently nudged me out of that closet, but it’s just recently that I’ve started to realise that you’re not with me as part of some elaborate prank.” Ben caressed Callum’s knuckles while thinking of a way to respond to his confessions.  
“Babe, I don’t know if I get what this has to do with the reunion.” He settled on, hoping it didn’t come across as being dismissive. Callum sighed again.  
“They used to call me soft, a puff, a fairy, all kinds. I hadn’t even figured it out then, I think. Actually, by the time they started calling me that, I don’t even think I realised what those words were even implying, I just knew that I certainly didn’t want to be any of them.”  
“Is this about coming out to them now? Them being ‘right’? Cause Callum, you being gay doesn’t make any of the things they called you, or did to you, or thought they knew about you, any more right.” Ben’s hand was back on Callum’s cheek, urging him to understand what he was saying. “Also, you don’t owe them shit. If you decided to go, you wouldn’t have to come out to them, if you’re not comfortable with that. It’s your choice, you don’t owe them shite.” He was about to argue with him when Callum started to shake his head, but Callum was quicker.  
“That’s not what I’m worried about. Actually, I’d want to bring my boyfriend with me, so that would pretty much do the coming out for me, don’t you think?”  
“So what”, Ben frowned, “you were worried about asking me to come with you? Babe, if you’d want me there I’d be there. You don’t have to worry about asking me for stuff.”  
“Again, not what I’m worried about. Actually, I’d quite like to show you off.” Callum said, looking bashful.  
“Well then I’m out of guesses, Callum.”  
“I’m worried about you seeing me from their perspective, okay. You realising that you could do so much better. I wasn’t just queer to them, I was this skinny kid with a dad more occupied with keeping the liquor cabinets stocked than keeping food on the table. If it wasn’t for the few friends I had and their families taking pity on me and inviting me to stay for dinner more often than not, I would’ve been downright malnourished. I was scared of the dark, scared of loud noises, I was weird and sad all the time. You know where ‘Halfway’ came from? People saying, I was ‘only halfway there’. I wore washed out clothes, too large for me, that my brother had worn 10 years prior.”  
“So what? You didn’t choose your childhood, Callum. Neither did I, and god knows I was much the same. I wouldn’t judge you for any of that, I promise you.” Ben’s hand had moved from Callum’s cheek and come to rest on the side of Callum’s neck. He felt Callum’s pulse point, too fast for Ben’s liking, like he was still gearing up to something.  
“What I’m afraid you’re going to judge me for is that I’m _still_ most of those things, Ben. I don't think you realise. I’m still occasionally scared of the dark, I have nightmares about the army because I’m too soft to make it through that without getting PTSD and having to exaggerating an injury to get out of it. I made it through my childhood because I had Stuart looking out for me. Taking as many of my beatings for me as he could. I made it through army because I had Chris there with me, talking me through sleepless nights and panic attacks after bomb raids. I made it through coming out because I had you there alongside me. At 28 years old. I’m nothing without other people to use as a crutch, and I’m afraid that you’ll eventually see that and won’t want to be with me anymore.”  
Callum squeezed his eyes shut against the tears as he finished his speech, and Ben’s heart broke for him.  
“Hey, hey, look at me Callum.” He waited until Callum had time to collect himself slightly, opening his eyes and blinking frantically. “You’re the kindest person I know. And you know how I used to say kindness is a weakness? It’s not. It’s not, okay? It’s the biggest strength and bravery there is. And you’ve come so far, despite having to overcome so much. I love you, and I admire you, and nothing that you say, nothing that anyone can say about you, will change that. If you want to go to that reunion, then I’ll come with you, and I’ll be damn proud to be shown off as your boyfriend. If you’d rather stay at home, then we’ll do that. I’ll show you just how much I love you in several different ways, okay?”  
Callum’s eyes were squeezed together again, tears still clinging to his lashes. But he looked calm now.  
“Okay.” He whispered.  
“Okay?”  
“Yeah, okay.”  
They laid there for a while more, Ben placing his head on Callum’s chest once he was satisfied Callum had gotten everything off his chest. He didn’t hear Callum’s heartbeat, he couldn’t anymore, but he felt it in the vibrations. Eventually Callum stretched his arm out blindly and turned off the lamp. Just as they were starting to drift off, Ben sleepily traced his way up to the side of Callum’s head, caressing his ear with light fingertips.  
“Also, I happen to love your sticky out ears a lot, thank you very much.”  
He didn’t hear Callum’s laugh, he couldn’t anymore, but he felt the vibrations.


End file.
